In a typical stroke of administrative genius, Oakland Tech has finally figured out how to fix tardiness once and for all. The 100% effective solution? Students who are chronically absent will be punished by being kept from going to class! Yes, you heard right, the tardy sweep is here to stay. Students leave rave reviews: an anonymous sophomore reports to the Scribble, “Tardy sweeps really taught me a lot. I used to skip school all the time, but when I heard that I could experience lunchtime detention if I stopped skipping class, I knew it was the offer of a lifetime!” Staff members describe the unique benefits of the system, saying, “We have found that locking the classroom doors has a reverse psychology effect. In our roundup of stray students, we often find tweens clawing at the outside doors, begging to be let on campus.”
Following the tardy sweeps’ initial success, the school is aiming even higher. New policies are to include a so-called “snitch’s reward,” in which any student who turns in a peer is awarded a fifty bulldog buck prize. Additionally, Tech’s dedicated sports coaches have called in college scouts to be present during these sweeps, ready to offer athletic scholarships to those special students who really go the extra mile by sprinting to class. To add even greater incentive, wasps will be set loose in the hallways to catch any stragglers, so don’t forget your EpiPen at home! Personally, I can’t wait to see all you Bulldogs in class, on time and ready to learn.