For over 10 years, community members across Oakland have united every weekday to drive around Oakland Tech. The Community Driver’s League is a group of senior citizens in supercars, moms yelling at kids in their backseats, and twenty-year-olds unable to use an automobile who take shifts driving around Oakland Tech during the mornings. This incredibly hard-working author was lucky to secure an interview with the president of the Community Drivers league, who shared some insights about the purposes of their organization. “We’re a simple club. We focus on learning and practicing our skills behind the wheel: driving unbelievably slowly down the streets, parking at random spots along the street, and terrorizing students walking to upper campus. Each member who swerves at the intersection towards a group of oblivious sophomores walking to their FADA classes scores 20 points, with 10 points for each kid you hit.” According to the Community Driver’s League yearly scorecards, the average upper campus driver will randomly swerve for three freshmen holding oversized Starbucks cups, but averages only one hit each year.
“I really wish that these drivers worked on their driving skills so that we can beat O’Dowd,” shared one upper campus student, who felt that the aim of the drivers was sub-par. “I mean, come on — I’ve seen a Toyota Prius fling a fire hydrant clean off of its base and across two blocks, but they really need to improve their student terrorization projects.” Distracted drivers have managed to swerve into light poles, trash cans, and building street fronts, but none offer any point victory. According to the Community Drivers League, they need to maul at least 10 teenagers on phones (worth 50 points) to secure the coveted “Terror on Four Wheels” trophy, a challenge exacerbated by students remaining at home. Their solution? “We’re going to start driving at 200 mph down side streets and see what we pick up.” The author of this publication wishes them well on their goal, and encourages all high school students, college students, and anyone who vaguely appears to be in the education system to refrain from traveling within 10 miles of Oakland Tech for safety purposes.
Editor’s note: The Scribble does not endorse the practice of running down students for sport, we just call ‘em like we see ‘em.